Flying Solo

Yeah, I'm spamming your flist. Got a problem?

No really. I'm posting my writing a day late because I'm hoping up until that last minute before I fall asleep at night that I'll somehow get more writing done.

Still behind. On the upside, that big paper I was worried about now has a topic and only has to be five to eight pages. Easy-peasy.

Words today: 1391
Total words: 5580
Summary: Jameson and Tane take Jennifer upstairs
Comments: I'm about to get into Jamie and Tane's backstory, which should be fun and easy to write. I'm excited about it.

 

( Grar my nose is stuffed. )

 

Okay, so maybe it's not obligatory, exactly, but I want to, damn it. Maybe this will stop me from obsessing about it. Maybe.

But I'll put it under a cut because it will be long and I'm sure there are people on my flist who could care less.

Love comments, though, with your ideas/opinions. Especially if you notice something I'm picturing that you know how to put together and wouldn't mind helping with when the time comes, or if you notice something that you think is a horrendous idea and would work out terribly.
( A Beach Ceremony... )

Ugh it's getting worse. I'm so far behind... my goal for tonight is to catch up. This is what I have from yesterday... I don't really feel like it's even worth posting, but I'll do it anyway, in interest of documenting what I did.

Why do I feel like my words are really awkward today?

Words Today: 166
Total words: 4189
Summary: Not much.
Comments: I switched to Jameson's POV and he's much easier than Jennifer. I just didn't put in the time for this.

Yesterday sucked. I got so wrapped up in looking at wedding crap (possibly making a "this is what I want for my perfect day" post later tonight), that I totally didn't write when I should have, and then tried to do it while watching Season 7 of Buffy, and that was totally not happening.

Words Today: 500
Total Words: 4023
Summary: Not a lot happened, though I feel better about Tane now. She's kind of like, "hi I'm happy and I don't understand why you aren't happy too" but also very "this is how life is, just accept it and be happy". I like her better today.
Comments: I am a failure. <3

 

( Short writing is short )

So, I almost didn't get going today, because I was busy calling people about possible rental places because we're moving before the end of the year. (Yeah, one more reason I shouldn't be doing NaNo, but who cares?) So I finally started writing an hour ago, and here we are.

Words Today: 1806
Total Words: 3523
Summary: Jennifer gets home and finds her father has a big surprise for her.
Comments: I feel like I'm rushing the plot too fast, so Jennifer is going to resist believing what's going on can possibly be true for a while. Tane is way more hyper and childlike than I expected. I don't have a good handle on the father's personality yet. I'll be switching to Jameson's POV soon for a bit while Jennifer is being stupid.

 

( Day Two is Win )

SO. I woke up this morning and started writing. I'm going to try and be a morning writer this year, because we've apparently got some friends and I don't think I'll get a lot of writing done at night between hanging out with people and working closing shifts till 1 and 2 AM. We'll see how that goes on school days though.

1717 words today, so I'm like fifty words ahead for the month. Another thing that probably won't last.

So, I've been engaged for just about exactly one day now. I'm pretty sure there's no one on my flist who doesn't know by now, but uh, in case I forgot to tell you, this is what happened:

It was two AM. We had just gotten home from hanging out with some friends of ours, and as we're walking toward our apartment door, he says in this very ominous tone, "I need to talk to you about something." So I asked what, and he told me that it was about Monday, when he had told me he went up to the theatre to work. Apparently he DIDN'T go to the theatre at all. So I ask where he went and he looked sort of guilty and said... "I went to see Chase." Chase is a friend of ours who lives in my hometown. So I'm kind of confused at this point because they hang out pretty often, and I wouldn't have had a problem with that. So I ask why he didn't just tell me and he says, "Well, I saw someone else too." And he's STILL sounding all guilty, and I'm getting really suspicious. So I ask where else he went, and he tells me he went to my parents' house. And I totally froze and just stared at him. And then finally asked him why he went there. And he stood there and stared at me and said, "Why do you think I went there?" And I wouldn't say it, because I totally knew but I didn't want to be wrong. So he says, "Does this help?" and gets down on one knee and pulls out the ring box and tells me that he loves me. And I told him he had to ASK. And then he did, and then I said yes. And we kissed a lot. But it was 2 AM, and I couldn't call or tell anyone. Which was terrible, because I couldn't sleep either.

So anyway, the real point of this post was to tell you all that ohmygosh did you know that the average length of engagement in the US is 16 months? Whereas ours will be about seven months at the most. And all the timelines and checklists online say I need to have all this shit done by mid December if everything's going to go well. You know what I say to that? I say screw you, timelines. Seriously. I'm going to make my own, get the most time sensitive stuff out of the way first thing and then take my time with stuff like the flowers and the cake and all that.

It helps that we already know who will be doing our cake (for cost, mind you), probably who will be doing our photography (I'll be paying them for their time and the files, then getting the album etc. printed, at cost), possibly who will be doing the catering (a relative who I haven't talked to yet, but will probably do it pretty cheap), who will be doing the invites and save-the-dates (DIY, baby), a couple of people who might be able to do music for the ceremony, who I want to officiate (also a close friend, or possibly an uncle), a DJ friend who will probably give me some kind of discount, where I'll be getting the dress (worn by my grandmother and mother before me), a possible free location... I mean, this wedding is not going to be expensive in the scheme of things. In fact, I have a feeling that most of my budget will be in the flowers, because that's the only part of the wedding where I'm not personally acquainted with someone who does it professionally. And the best part of all the stuff I am getting free/at cost/ discounted is that it's not because of a lack of professionalism, or like I'm bringing in people who don't know what they're doing. All the vendors are professionals who work weddings all the time and I just happen to be related to them or be friends with them.


I feel like the luckiest girl alive right now. My fiancé is awesome, our wedding is going to be awesome, and our life is going to be awesome. It's totally thrilling.

Unfortunately, I also seem to have become nocturnal. Not cool, man. Not cool.

Well everyone, the season is upon us. Yes, that's right. It's gotten cold out, and I've begun my relationship of loathing with winter. I protest the cold by dressing as if it does not exist, hibernating when I should be up and socializing, and flurrying with activity once the rest of the world has gone to bed.

I think my body is prepping for NaNoWriMo. Which I am TOTALLY doing this year, even though that's CRAZY because I'm taking two workshop classes, working on my final creative writing Capstone, and have a massive twenty page research paper on ancient Greek drama due on the same day as said Capstone reading. 

Yeah, I'm crazy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a flash fiction collection to put together (i.e. write about 5000 words), and four stories to review for workshop at 2:30 this afternoon.

I might need coffee. And chocolate.

Also, if I post the story that I'll be reading for my Capstone, would anyone feel up to giving me suggestions in comments?
( In Other News )

So, I asked my sister to cut my hair Saturday morning. What was originally going to be just a trim turned into one of the shortest haircuts I've ever had. The only other time my hair has been this short I was 13 and it was way too thin and blah. I hated it, and I was really scared this would come out horribly. What do you think?



( PIC )</div>

Also, I've had a sore throat since last Thursday so I finally went to Student Health Services Monday morning. Guess what?

( Find out what here! )

I'm totally sitting here at 3 AM watching my boyfriend sleep. Oh yes, I am. And you know what? He is absolutely wonderful. I just... I treasure him in ways that I didn't know I would ever appreciate someone. He cleaned the apartment tonight, and got frustrated because there was nothing else to clean. And I held my tongue and did not suggest the litter box, ferret cage, or bathroom. I'm a bit proud of myself for that. You see, he's really awesome. I've always felt that I needed a man with whom I was an equal, but I was thinking emotionally, intellectually, and in those things, we really are not. He's emotionally a lot more mature than I am, and when it comes to booksmarts, my brain kicks his brain's ass. But in the day to day things, in the cooking, cleaning, money-managing, apartment-decorating, normal things, we share equally (Despite his jokes about how women belong in the kitchen or the bedroom, and to be anywhere else I have to have a vaccuum. XD).

We have those weird moments you hear about where couples have the same idea at the same time even though they haven't discussed a subject yet. Example: Around 3 PM one day, while I was in class, it occurred to me that we ought to go to his parents house one day the next week. That night when I get home, he proposes the same idea I already had. This happens way more often than what I would have expected to be realistic.

And I think it is those, weird, creepy couple connections we have that makes it okay for me to sit here with one hand over his heart while he sleeps, feeling his blood thrumming on my hand, and counting the seconds between his breaths. His sleep apnea is really going to give him trouble someday.

So, today I went the the Milledgeville Public Library today. No, our library is NOT open on Saturdays, but today was an Event. It was the Book Fair/ Bake Sale/ Flea Market. Plus there was face painting and kids' midway games.  Pictures of my haul under the cut. Before you look, remember that we spent sixteen dollars total, and that is including some items not pictures-- namely, two sausage biscuits a fifty cents each and a little veggie cutting board that cost me ten cents.
( LOOKIT MY STUFF )</div>

I should be doing it.





But I really don't have any good ideas for the workshop piece I'm supposed to turn in tomorrow. Anyone got ten spare pages of well-written, unplagiarized fiction lying around?

They don't have the part for my car in stock.

They don't know if they can get it.

The dealership it's at has sent out a nationwide message to other dealers looking for it, but if no one has it, well... basically, I might have to get a new car. This isn't a part we can just go get in a junk yard; it has to have all the same features as my car as far as what's automatic and what's not etc.

I am sort of unhappy.


We'll know by Tuesday if they can get the part from another dealer. Sigh. Yet again, I wait.

So. My car is full of the retardedness.  Apparently a circuit board called the Body Control Module has aburned out diode/resistor thing in it and needs to be replaced-- unfortunately, this part costs about 500 dollars to replace after you pay for  the 350 dollar circuit board and the labor, plus diagnostics to confirm that it is, in fact, the problem. 

Problem is, I've already spent 150 dollars on it before this-- at two different shops. I am very displeased with the second place i took it to-- the first one only charged us to tow it there, and told me what they thought the problem might be but said that they couldn't fix it because it was a computer issue and would need to be programmed at the dealership.  I was sad to waste 50 bucks, but it was okay.  The dealership in Greensboro, which I called because the one in my town is closed (stupid economy), told me there was a place in my town which could probably handle the issue. We called them, and the woman there told me that YES, they could definitely fix the issue. A week later, she tells me that they can install the new part, but that the car has to go to a dealership to be reprogrammed before it will run. And they want to charge me 125 dollars for towing the car there and for diagnostics fees. I told her that I wouldn't be paying for work when they didn't solve the problem.  

At this point I found out how terrible this shop's customer service was-- not only would she refuse to release the car unless I paid her, she implied that I was untrustworthy by telling me that she would no longer accept my check since I pointed out that she had not told me the truth when she told me they could fix my car.  She told me that they could fix it, but honestly-- I don't think the car is fixed until it runs, and they could not make the car run without having it taken to a dealership to be reprogrammed. 

In effect, GRRRRR.  I ended up paying her $100 dollars so that I could get my car back and get it taken to a place where it would be fixed. I am very unhappy with this situation.

 

I don't know why I'm doing this, but I got it from thejenx .  

So after you laugh at me, reply to this meme by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you.

My words:

Rats: Uh. Squishy bellies and death. Pretty much. Not much to say there, except perhaps that if/when we get another pet, it will be a pair of rats.

Feminine: I AM A FAIRY PRINCESS. That is all.  No, really. You think I'm kidding. I'm so not.

Harry Potter: The secret lover I keep under my bed and pull out whenever I feel like it regardless of who's around or how appropriate it is. Also, who has seen the movie poster, because the quote on it is PERFECT. And also, the trailer made me squeal like a twelve-year-old fangirl in the middle of a crowded movie theatre.

Stress: Uh. Jenx, honey. Am I really that stressful to be around? XD No, really. I do too much stuff and stress myself out constantly and it's really bad for me.  I think I've become masochistic about it.

Pina coladas: I shouldn't be able to taste the alcohol, and I should be tipsy after one. Ask the boyfriend how he makes them that way, I have no clue. Best sprinkled with nutmeg. And more fun when Jenx is around to grope.

Shower time! Then I get to hand in the research paper that I've written in the last ten hours. And do a presentation. Shit. XD See ya!

I'm trying to figure out if I really just have trouble handling life when it doesn't go my way, or if I'm insane. Rationally, I know that I shouldn't be in a big hurry to get a shiny new second job, and I definitely shouldn't be spending most of a 24 hour period in tears over it.  We really are okay financially (though not as okay as I'd like) and we really do have plenty of time to save up for vacation in two months.  I could just relax and enjoy my summer.

But I don't know how to do that. I haven't done it since I was... sixteen?  I guess.  And I don't know how to start now, so summer as it stands it a big void where I'm only working three days at Papa John's a week max, and even that doesn't always happen, and the days I don't work are the same days Zack is out of town, and I don't know what to DO with myself when he's not here even when I do have stuff going on, and how much worse will it be when I have NOTHING to do at all? I mean, yes. I have stuff I want to do. Like watch Pandora Hearts, and knit that thing I'm knitting, and, presumably, write. Since that's my major and I supposedly enjoy it.

But I'm not that into visual stimulation, and knitting makes my shoulder hurt, and I haven't written anything for myself-- REALLY for myself-- since at least last November, and I don't know if my failed attempt at NaNoWriMo counts or not.  

Basically, what I'm saying is that I am incapable of entertaining myself. I'm usually so busy I don't have to.(And what does that say about our culture? I'm not the only person like this-- I used to pride myself on being one of the few people I knew who COULD entertain myself without guidance or television.) Now, the prospect of free time terrifies me.  It's these huge blocks of time, where I no longer seem to have interests and hobbies to fill it. And of course, I am the least social person ever-- I'm fine once I get in a social situation, but I don't know how to make friends. I can talk to people, but I can't connect with them. So I'll be spending all of that time alone if I stay in Milledgeville.  Can I go that long without human contact? I don't actually know.

But I don't think I'm going to get the waitressing job I want, and the other alternative is working at Wendy's, which is hardly worth it.  (The money difference between the two is massive, and I just don't know if 6.50 an hour at a place I don't like is worth it.) I'm supposed to go there for orientation at 9 AM Saturday, but I think... I might not.

My insightful, wonderful boyfriend tells me I should take the time to relax and start writing again. He knows that what I love-- but I don't know if I know what I love anymore. And I don't know how to explain that without screaming that I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH, and I CAN'T DO IT, and, I DON'T KNOW HOW, which all sound pathetic and whiny. Correction: They ARE all pathetic and whiny. Which is why I'm writing this whiny post instead.

But staying home and writing is a good idea. One I should probably consider. I'm just so scared that instead of writing I'll end up lying in bed all day crying because I can't make myself do anything. I don't have any self-discipline unless there are other people around. When Zack's home I do all kinds of productive things, and before he comes home I usually shave and vacuum and clean up for him-- but I don't ever do that stuff for myself.  I just think I should and then don't, and then feel like a shitty person because I didn't do it.




So, what do you guys think? Take the shitty job so I'll have something to fill my time and get to interact with people, then try to write on the side? Stick it out and apply for more waitressing jobs? Just give up the second job idea and see how it goes? I had even thought about trying to go back to my old job at the CFA in F'ville Mon-Thurs if they had openings, but there's the cat and the ferret here to think about-- I'd have to take them with me or something, and I don't think they would handle that well. 

So hey guys.

Just kinda wanted to let something out.

Lately, I've been having mood swings like crazy. Only not really. It's more like one really large downward swing which keeps coming back and kicking me in the face whenever I try to go back up. I'll start crying over nothing-- I've quit trying to sing along to songs on the radio because every time I do I choke up for no reason whatsoever-- and all the sudden I can think of a million things to cry about and I have to try really hard not to burst into tears. It comes at me out of no where, with no explanation. It's not PMS, because it happens all the time. ALL THE TIME. Like every day.  And lately the reason I've been getting upset is that I don't know where this is coming from and I can't stop it, and I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend says I've changed, that he loves me and he's there for me, but he doesn't know what to do to help me. He tries, he really does, and I'm lucky to have him. He can always make me smile. And that just makes me more upset, makes me angry because I want to be the person I know I am under all this, but I just can't stop crying and being tired all the time. I do too much, try to please too many people, but I'm at a point in life where I can't stop doing school and work, and ignoring family isn't an option, even though sometimes I wish I could. I hate that every single time I have a day off, I end up driving two hours, or four hours, to see people who I have to smile for.  

I feel like I'm trapped.  Like I know the real, happy-go-lucky, act like a five year old, fun-loving me is here, in my head, and sometimes I peak out and Zack says, "There's my gorgeous girlfriend" and he smiles and I would do anything to get THAT smile on his face all the time. But most of the time I'm just stuck behind this wall of tears and anger. I hate it. I don't know how to make it stop. I get angrier because I can't get it to go away, and that just makes it worse.

Maybe the birth control will help. I hope.


In other news, we planted our little garden-- I have 36 tiny bright pink Impatiens, six bigger lighter pink Impatiens, one gorgeous Mandevilla, and a dying Azalea. We also got window boxes and put them on our front railing, one with more Impatiens, and one with herbs-- basil and parsley and mint and rosemary. 

We're also potty training the ferret to go only in his litter pan when he's inside the cage and not to go at all when he's out. So far, uh... yeah. He's very much a baby. I think he's slowly getting it though? I hope. 

So I signed up for Associated Content. If you haven't heard of it, basically it's sort of freelance article writing, where you pick from the available prompts ("assignments"), get a deadline, write an article (or make a video, or podcast), and get paid a certain amount depending on page views, popularity, and ad revenue.

You can't tell the differences in their content.

They ask for a certain kind of content for each assignment. Some are video, some are text, some are audio. But once you publish, everything is thrown together, listed under it's category. So when you click on something on the AC page, you don't know if you're going to end up with a video, or text, or what. 

This is very frustrating. I do not watch online videos unless I stumble upon them, they autostart, and they hold my interest, or someone links me to them. I do not want to watch DIY videos, or health guru videos, or music videos. I'll read about the first two, and listen to the music videos without watching them. I don't do visual entertainment without a good incentive, and I hate having it thrust on me.

I'm listening the the radio. The least they could do is warn me when I click on "Grow Your Own Garden" that I'll be getting a video made in some dude's backyard and not an article. Seriously.

( PICTURES )








So I got home form work today earlier than I was supposed to, and my boyfriend wasn't home yet. When he pulled in, I ran to the door, intending to tackle him, but he stopped at the door and told me I "wasn't supposed to be home yet".  So I went and hid in the kitchen while he snuck my birthday/anniversary gift into the house-- then I guess he realized that he couldn't hide it till my birthday, so he told me to come on out, and there he was-- holding my new FERRET!  The most adorable little brown boy who I've named Apostrophe.  He's a sweetheart, and I love him. He's only three months old, and should live a good eight to ten years. Right now he's asleep in his cage, and so cute!  I love him to pieces.

I really have my hopes up about this one, guys. It's so cheap that the boyfriend and I are willing to overlook just about anything short of a bug infestation or mold.  Here are the specs:

-kitchen (includes fridge, stove, and washer/dryer hookups)
-living room AND a den
-smaller room which could be a bedroom but has no closet, might end up as Raile's room? Or workout room, or whatever.
-bedroom, w/ closet
-presumably there's a bathroom
-$310/mo rent, no security deposit!
-pets allowed (no dogs)  No pet deposit!

It's in a house which has been converted into two apartments, which is always weird since they've had to install a second kitchen to the house and wall things off, etc.

I really want this to work out. Really really really. I mean-- I could afford to pay that form my salary which is great since A-- boyfriend needs a new job because they've quit scheduling him at his AV install company and B--we need to be saving money for when we move out of Milledgeville in December.  Plus I could have my kitty! And maybe a ferret. >.> And my OWN SPACE. Where I am the queen of the kitchen. Hurray!

Shall update after we see it and let you all know if I'm moving.  XDXDXD <3<3<3<3  SO EXCITED ZOMGAIUBDOUBBDOADDA.